I must be making progress, because the past few days I have been completely miserable. And while falling flat on my face and possibly into a vat of pumpkin spice pancakes I think I learned something of worth I want to write down.

It’s been weeks now that I’ve been fasting one day a week. I feel the most power when my fast lasts more like in the 36-ish hour range. I’ll have breakfast and lunch, then not eat again until breakfast on the third day. Sometimes I am only able to fast as little as one meal, but even then God takes my broken gift and spins something beautiful from the tattered threads.

It’s completely freeing, fasting is. There’s a lightness, a joy in the empty. A break from some unknown pressure that has no pull for a space in time.

You would think I would be all hangry and snap at my children and their dogs, but I’m not. In fact, I find myself feeling less anxious about the possibility that I am destroying their lives when I don’t have the self-discipline to micromanage everything about their futures.

God told me to let my son quit math tutoring today. He’s 17 and a junior in high school. I’m coming to a place where I need press in to what I tell him, what I tell myself, my friends, my husband, anybody who will listen really. He has a destiny. If he needed good grades to get on his path he would have them.

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He had some rough patches growing up that catastrophically effected his learning during a couple of formulate higher math classes. But my solution is not really working in his life, I have to admit it.

How can my prayers provide exactly the right kind of protection he needs from the fiery darts of the enemy until such time, and I hope it comes soon, that God takes over and possibly blinds him for 3 days, until his destiny is revealed in a miraculous and powerful way? 

But I am wrong. God is more aware of my son than I am. While I’m leading my son to the water, and drowning him in it as I dunk his head again and again trying to force him to take a drink {just DRINK already!!!} God is on the move working and orchestrating and drawing my son on His own terms. Terms that are written expressly in a language only my son understands. I don’t seem to speak that language.

When will I learn to trust?

I have moments where I trust. Blindly and with total abandon. I am the one drinking from the Living Waters and they can be so Unbelievably refreshing when I let go and give myself freedom to just quench.

To tell you the truth I never even prayed about the tutoring. It just seemed logical and necessary. Tutoring has been a burden and sometimes worse since the day he started. When WILL I learn?

But fast on God’s terms, that’s what I learned. I tried fasting yesterday and I failed. There was no grace, no power, no protection from temptation. Hindsight tells me that was not the fast God had in mind, I didn’t ask. But He accepted my broken gift because He is God and I am His beloved, and He loves my son more than I do.

Dear Father God,

I thank You, Father, from the bottom of my heart for my son’s beautiful confusing mind. I thank You for the gifts You have given him that will reveal themselves line upon line as He learns to hear You on terms that You and he understand, even if I don’t.

Help me hear You clearly as you try to guide my stubborn heart to teach him the ways of Your Word and Your Will for his life. Reveal to me only the things I need to know to be the mom You actually need me to be to help him fulfill the destiny You created him to fulfill.

Put Your angels round about us both and protect us from falling into the tragic pitfalls of broken communication and loss of trust. It seems like a fine line, parenting and letting go. Help me be on the right side of the line for him, according to Your perfect will.

I thank You for the natural goodness in him. I count myself lucky to have a good relationship with my son. In spite of me.

You are wonderful, Father God. Draw closer to me as I come closer to You over the next day and a half.

I ask for these blessings, and anything I need that I don’t know to ask for,

In the name of Jesus Christ,

Amen.

Be blessed!

Michelle

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